Falling in Love

Have you ever longed for feelings when you are falling in love? Butterfly in your stomach, those stupid excuses you made just to see him or just going to places you know he likes to hangout at, the nervousness and anxiousness when you see him or talk to him, awkward moments when both of you in the same location, do you miss that? Because I am. I do miss all those feelings. I even put it in my prayer, I asked God to give me one more chance to feel those feelings again. I would love to, if the person love me back, but if he’s not at least I’m lucky to feel those butterflies again.

By the miracle of god, it happened.

It was unexpected, short, exhilarating, beautiful, it happened so fast and I feel a ping of sadness when I realized it has ended.

It all started when I went to my usual coffee shop, where I usually spend me-time or trying to get the work done. He’s not usual barista. I mean I go there a lot and I never seen him before, so I assumed he’s been working inside or maybe he’s supervisor or manager who’s going around to checked outlets. To be honest, my friend had crush with him first, and I told her that he’s can’t be working there because I go there a lot and I never seen him before. Even if he’s working there, there’s must be reasons why I’ve never seen him, right?

Yet, there I was, going in next Friday, alone, because my friend still on her way, and guess what? He was standing there, in front me, behind of cash register, took my order, and that’s when everything started. I noticed that he’s kind a cute and I learned his name from his name tag.

And…

It’s when the whole thing was started.

I told my best friend that I have a crush with him too, and we started to go there at the next day, which is Saturday. And the next day. And in the middle of the week when we had day off. And next Saturday. Next Sunday. Before I know it, it’s already a month. A fucking month. And when I checked my transaction, I spend almost half a mil, that month, just for coffee. Just to see him.

Sometimes I go there alone, sometimes I pushed my friends to accompany me, but mostly I go there alone. I’m going to sit at my favorite chair beside the window and have clear look to the counter, where I can see him clearly when he’s coming out to work.

I asked for this, so I pay attention and enjoyed every little thing I feel and every little thing he does. From the way he walk, the way he greets customers, the way he’s flashing his so-charming-smile, the way his glare when he doesn’t use his glasses (oh yeah, he looks so freaking sexy with his glasses), the way his fixing his hair, the way he makes order (with serious look, without smile, and polite), the way he stand so tall, and the way he said thanks when I leave coffee shop and he’s there.

I become obsessed.

I’m a sucker for guys with nice smiles, and he has one. That one thing is enough to keep me in arm length. It was enough to make me coming over again and again. It was enough to make me sit hours without exactly doing nothing because I was so nervous. And it was enough to make stuttering in front of him! Ah, those embarrassing moment. I thought I will never experience those feelings again.

I’m going to this coffee shop often, but never this often. Ever. It seems like I went there almost every day. It’s not even every week, it almost every fucking day. Lucky for me, there’s promo that month, so thankfully I’m not 'broke'. I went there every weekend. I went there on national holidays. I went there after office. It’s all because I need to see him. I didn’t care if it’s only a glance or even a second, I just need to see him. It gives me strange soothing feelings if I was there, even though he’s not there. Like, I’m holding on to some hope that he’ll be here, after all it it’s his work place, right?

And all those things doesn’t stop when I’m home.

I can not sleep. Not after he greet me with his charming smile, saying “thank you” as I leave the place. Start from that day, I can’t not thinking about him. His in my head all day long and all night long. I haven’t been in this state after school! God, I can’t believe this.

Those baristas start talking about me, the girl who loves spend time alone in that coffee shop. I heard them talked about me, that I come there because I’m liking one of them, about me who always sit there alone, about me who sometimes just sit without doing anything. They started to remember my name and my order. Some of them are nice and tried to be friendly, some of them act strictly professional, but I never know where he stand. Sometimes he act friendly, smile to me and said thanks, but some time he’s ignoring me like I’m just regular customer.

Few times I exchanged glance with him. Sometimes I caught him glances at me and divert quickly when he see me looking at him. I saw him walking around table when I sat there, talking with my friends. And my friends started to put these idea in my mind, that maybe, maybe he likes me too. Maybe he noticed me too. Either way, why he keep saying thanks to me when I left the store? Why would he walking around when I sit there, when it’s not even his job?

I know he noticed me. I know he knows my name. But we haven’t properly introduced, and I want to have proper handshake with him. You know, like first time you know someone you handshake with them while saying your name, I want that. I want to be able to talk properly, not just some friendly SOP bullshit. I want to go on a date with him. These past few days I even imagining what it feels to be kissed by him. I have a big crush on this guy, and I really like him.

Then something unexpected happened.

I overheard that one of them (maybe) like me. One of them but not him. Somehow, he thinks that everything I did, such as sit near the counter, come almost every day, sit there doing nothing, as an attempt to see this person who likes me. I like this person actually. He is nice and friendly to me, not like the others barista, he’s actually friendly and talk to me like we’re friends. Of course it happened before I know that he likes me. When I heard that, I was stunned. I don’t know how to act. One thing crossed my mind is, if everyone talk about this, if my crush hear this, there is no way I can talk to him properly, leave alone have relationship or date with him.

I decided to ignore this new information.

I still come to this coffee shop, but I decided a month is enough to be this stupid. So, I didn’t come there as often as last month. But I never meet him again. Either when its daylight, when I brought my laptop to work there or night when I just hanging out waiting for traffic, or even at weekend. I think, maybe this is it. Maybe God isn't giving him to me, but God do gave me the opportunity to falling love again, just as I asked.

As I’m writing this, I decided that our time is up.

The story about me and him is some falling in love story.

Story about the feelings of falling in love.

Story about two strangers who doesn’t know each other.

Story about some feelings, which made me doing stupid things.

Story about a guy who make a mess in a woman’s life.

Story about a woman who can’t doing her job and losing her mind over some guy she barely know.

Story full of butterflies, nervousness, smiles, firework and knots in your stomach.

A ping of sadness come, as I realized that I can’t continue wasting my money and my times to hangout in the priciest coffee shop in town. That means, I have to learn to not thinking about him and hold the urge to go see him. As I’m writing this, I realized that I kind of have my heart broken over this man. This man I barely know.

Regardless, it happened.

It’s not exactly what I wanted, but it does everything I long for.

For that, I am grateful :)