Falling willingly

Remember about my crush? When I tried to convinced myself, over and over, that this is the end, our story will stop because both of us didn’t do anything about it? The landscape just change. Again. Everything start to feel so bizarre I don’t even know where to start.

The thing is, I can’t stop coming here. I can’t.

And I really hope that, whatever this is won’t end up with me looking for other place or he’s looking for another job.

How can everything changing so fast into the worst direction?

They say crush only last three or four months, anything longer than that is consider about falling in love or just really in love. It’s already in month forth. I can’t even wrapped my head about what’s happening.

Seriously.

Or am I just imagining all of that? everything that happened?

I hate this.

I hate the fact that I started to reading into everything and analyze everything he does. I hate the fact that all he needs to do just smile at me and suddenly I’m going into frenzy zone. I hate the fact that I’m soo nervous when I’m going to my favorite place, because maybe he’s on the clock. And I certainly hate the fact that I’m going crazy because of him. I hate the fact that I’ve been losing sleep because of him. I hate the fact that he’s on my mind almost 24/7 and I can’t get him out of there. I hate the fact that I need to see him just to calm my nerves. I hate the fact that he have power to make me feel like this.

It’s not me.

I don’t read into everything. I don’t lose my cool over someone. I don’t over analyzed everything. I am cool. I react. If I want something, I’ll get it. Not, …… like this. Somehow I found myself annoyed with all of this and the situations.

And BOOM!

Something happened. Again.

One of my friend tried to put some gasoline into us, in order for me to get burn, as if I don’t play too close with fire. She give one of barista a hint, implied that I just come there for him, my crush, ONLY. Please don’t forget to put it in all caps, bold, and underline the word only. The barista is one of those who pretty close with me, so she didn’t say anything to my friends except that I often came there.

Few days ago, after a week I didn’t go there, that barista tease me and said, “Why are you still here alone? He didn’t come today, it’s his day off.”

I laughed. I predicted she’s going to say that to me after my friend told me what she did. That’s why I laughed when she said that. Then I gave her my prepare answer, “so what? I can’t come here if he’s not around?” as I predicted, she laughed.

The day after, I come there with my laptop, and for a moment I think nothing’s change until I sit and it turns out that barista sit near me. I didn’t realized until I saw her looked at me with a smile and talk to someone behind me. When I turn my head, there he is, my crush.

And everything start become clear, that once again, landscape has changed.

That day, he didn’t interact with me, at all. It almost felt like he’s avoiding me.

And I’m cool.

I mean, I tried to be cool.

Okay, I like him, and (maybe) he knows, so what? it's not like I hide my feelings or pretend that I'm not. Move on people! Everybody like someone. Just because I like him it doesn’t mean I’m going to make a move on him or want him to be my boyfriend. It just… I like him. So? It’s okay if he doesn’t like me back. I never asked for that. No need to be that awkward, dude.

I started this post at 30 july and finish it at 8 august because before I got the chance to figured out what I feel about him and the situation, the situation has changed.

He barely talk to me now.

Somehow, I feel pang of sadness :(