Remember my crush?
Yep, the one and only barista who has charming smile at my favorite coffee shop, the one who still haven’t ask my number but still looking at me intensely every time I go there. The one who pay attention to every detail about me but pretended to not care. The one who flashed his charming smile every time he sees me coming or already in there when he come, with my laptop and books. The one who are busy taking glass or something, around me when I am busy writing or reading or talking to my friends. The one who always want to try my drink and then make it for his own right after he made mine. The one who will leave me alone when he saw me crying or wandering. Believe me, he will know. I don’t know how does he know, but he will know and he will give me some space and time.
That particular barista was is my crush.
I’ve been wanting to write the ending so many times, but it seems I haven’t ready to ending my crush story, because something new is always happened after few days I thought it was the ending. Honestly, I still doesn’t feel that this is the ending, but I also tired of him doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t try to have a chat or talk with me, let alone ask for my number. While myself is having really hard time to push him out of my mind. Lately, I’ve been waking up with indecent thought about him and what he’s doing to me or and vice versa. So, I decided to said my goodbye and disappear for quite some time.
Who knows, if he will be missing me, rite? Or maybe he will find someone new and I was just some girl in his life. Or maybe he is, in my life.
There is so many times I think the story is over. When I thought he hated me because he looked away when our eyes met and I was flashing my smile at him. When I thought he has a girlfriend. When I thought he’s only a kid. A teenager. I saw one of his Instagram post and he wrote, “thank god I still have my 19th birthday” in his caption, the date is this year and suddenly I had headache. I’m not sure that I can date someone that young. I’m not sure if I can handle it or if we can clicked.
I’ve been sad for the whole week before I realized something stupid. This is the tricky part, because that particular post has so many comments, I didn’t scroll all of them. When I talked to my friend, she scroll it to the top and there it is, first comment from his friend, “happy birthday 27th bro” and suddenly I feel so relieved.
Few weeks later, I saw some pictures of him and a girl, and I got heartbroken again. I mean, it’s clear now why he didn’t make any move, because of his girlfriend. After few days, I talked to my friend and she stalked that girl and told me few days later that is no way she was his girlfriend. There is no pics, no talk, nothing. If they were in relationship, there’s must be someone who knows. They will leave something in social media.
Just when I finish sorted my feelings, my friend showed me that girl’s Instagram and compared between their lifestyle. My crush and hers. I have to admit, my first reaction is freak out. I can’t believe that I’m falling for that kind of guy, and I can’t believe even more what kind of girl he likes. I spend all night talking with my friend and my friend keep reminding me that he is not worth the trouble.
But hey, the heart wants what it wants, right?
Like stupid person, I still kind of like him. I almost don’t care who he is, how he lives, I just… can’t stop thinking about him. How it will turn out, if I go out with him, have a talk with him, maybe steal a kiss or two, or make out with him. See? Indecent thoughts. It seems I can’t shut it down.
Did I tell you he popped up in my dream, twice? Twice?!
In my first dream, he showed up in my house and it turns out he has some business with my parents and he’s been helping them to make some food stall. Then I was dreaming to go holiday with my friends, with him! He was helping me to set barbeque and to set the temperature of swimming pool in villa where we were staying. I even remember being in the pool together with him, I can’t move because I was so nervous. Then lately, he showed up not in person, but he send gifts and stuffs. Oh my god, that’s mean three. I had him in my dreams three times??!!
Hhh… I don’t know what’s that mean, and I probably don’t want to know if it’s not somethings good. I had rough year, I don’t want to open another Pandora box anymore. I want something good. I need something good in my life right now. So I am not sure if I want to know this time.
No, thank you.
I think it will be best if I left it alone and just trying to enjoy this feelings. Whatever it is.
