Lately, i have been avoiding my crush and his coffee shop.
the situation is.. a little bit out of control. I'm not really sure what is happening between me and him, I'm not even sure that there is something between us, but whatever it is, it needs to end. hell, if I can go back, I would. my friends said that there are two things i can do; leave it as it is or do something about it.
yea, i know about that too.
the problem is, i did everything i can. i did my part, now is he turns. when he didn't seems want to do anything about it, i chose to move on. to let go of my feelings and the illusion of him in my mind. his ghost, or whatever. I accept that he just not interested, cry over my brokenhearted, and then move on.
the thing about move on, you can not move on from someone if you keep seeing them. i don't know what it's called if you were trying to move on while still seeing the same person, is it miserable, masochist. or just foolish? i mean, how can you move on from him if you keep seeing him and reliving those feelings all over again? give yourself some time, to feel everything, to grieving over him, to cry all of your broken heart, and then move on.
i did all that, but...
Okay, here's what happened:
after i finished all those steps, i need reassurance if i was really truly super clean. that he is out of my system. besides, i kind of miss his coffeeshop, it is my escape place. so, i decided to go there and prepared myself to act naturally. no need to act indifferent, it's not like there's something happen between us, rite?
so, i went there and act like usual and it went fine for awhile, but apparently he is not okay with that. actually I.. I don't think I understand what happen here.
when i go there, he saw me coming in, and he was literally jumped and leave his spot to go into staff's room and doesn't come out until i was nowhere near the bar. when i was hanging out there, he will send his friends to see if i was still there or went home already. i feel vey uncomfortable and decided that i won't go there for a while. maybe he still mad at me, or maybe he is so angry with me, that he doesn't want to see me.
it is my escape place, but it's also his work place.
it's not like he can ignored me all the time, he has to work. meanwhile, i can go to other coffeeshops. so, i did go to other coffeeshop and get close with other baristas, who also know him because they are in the same field of work. i heard rumours that he will resign soon, terminate his contract. i was surprised, but also relieved because that means i can still go to my escape place, once he is gone. and it shouldn't be long, rite? i mean, everybody was talking about it, like it was a sure thing. that it will happen. i decided to wait for that gossip to happen and try to minimize contact as much as possible with him. if my existence bother him that much, I'll help. or so i thought.
i have been waiting patiently for two months, then i heard the news: he is not resigning, he's got promoted.
i was speechless.
how come? when everybody was talking like it will happen, how come it is not? so, what about me? does that means, i can't come to my favorite coffeeshop anymore? that i lose my escape place? what should i do if i need some place to think, to be alone, to be myself? do i really going to lose all of that because of some guy? a guy that doesn't want to do anything with me. a guy that so mad at me that he chose to neglected his work rather than to see me. a guy that hates me.
i hate this ridiculous situation.
i shouldn't believe that particular gossip. all of those gossips i heard, i chose to believe this one particular gossip that isn't true.
huft.
my friends was laughing so hard when i told them. one of them said, "i knew it! because life is never that easy, Ris. hahahaha."
fuck her. i hate her. so much. and i hate this situation. so fucking much. and i also hate him. but less than i hate her. and i also hate a part of myself that isn't clean enough and starts to screaming, "good news! i miss him." fuck. fuck. fuck.
you know what happen next? the most ridiculous thing. ever.
i let him know that I've been waiting for him to resign, and he was furious when he knows that. i overheard him say this to his fellow barista, the one whom i told, full aware that she will tell him; "what? so she has been waiting for me to resign? is that why she rarely come here now?" he was angry all night, that day. if looks can kill, i probably already dead by now.
tbh, i don't know why he was so angry about it. i am doing exactly what he wants, rite? i mean, he doesn't need to see me anymore. so, he doesn't has to jump and stay in the staff's room to avoid me. but, at some point, i do feel like i have second chance. now the time is up, i have choices back in my hands. do i want to finish whatever it is by having some honest talk with him, or let history repeat itself by not doing anything?
i haven't decided.
in the other hand, it seems that he is not the type of person who will go after what he wants. so, it's really doesn't make a different if he wants me or not, because either way, he won't do anything about it. honestly, i cant even understand how he live his life all this time by doing that. but i also know, that he can do something about it. if he really wants to. he did reject my friend, get angry with my other friend, and keep all these girls in arm length.
i don't want to be one of those girls. god, no.
i don't know what i want, actually.
he was supposed to be one of those guy that stuck around for few months and then get lost. he wasn't supposed to stay this long, fucked my mind all day and all night, breaking my heart like thousand times, making me smile like an idiot every time i see him, or making my heart jump every time he flashed his charming smile to me, oh damn.
do i want him or just let him go?
he has a girlfriend, you know.
i don't know why everybody act like her existence doesn't matter.
