I spent last week to be alone and think about what is happening in my life and this weekend i'm going to bali to spent some time with some old friends. for the first time this year, im talking about what i have been going through, shed some tears, and talk about my feelings toward anything. my life, my job, my goals, the gossips, the rumours, and about me. that makes me realized one thing; i am not who i am a year ago.
I changed.
we live with daily routine about stuffs; jobs, exercised, having fun, house chores, and moving forward, so we or i, often forget to check on myself. any feelings i had, i shoved it under the rug and shake off any emotion, try to focus about getting the job done, or checked on how close we are to our goals, and next thing i know, it feels like i can't breath. everyone was giving me feedbacks, i know that i have to change, something has to change, but i don't know where to starts, and everything is starting to happened so fast. i used to know who i wanted to be, made every decision with clear conscience. this time, i am not sure about who i want to be. i realized one thing, i don't know who i am right now.
then, I decided to faced all those uncomfortable questions inside my head.
trying to think about the answers.
trying to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel everything.
For examples, why it seems i cant quit whatever is going on with my crush? what makes me so fixated with him? why it seems I'm running away from any kind of commitment? what is it that bothering me so much about these things between my and my sisters? why i live the way i live? what do i want? what is the goal of all these things that i do? do i want it that much? and so on.
after some days of thinking, i met with an old friend who is live in Bali. he was in Jakarta at that time, we've been known each others for years, probably more than ten years. we decided to meet up, and next thing i know I was already told him everything with some tears in my eyes. He asked me if i want to go to Bali for the weekend. To get away from all of these dramas, problems and get away from city life, to think clearly.
so i did.
first night, i was busy enjoying myself in Bali's night life, trying to avoid my feelings and any kind of things that i have to think about, and come home in the morning. At the afternoon, hangover madness made me puke, and in the evening, those emotional rush is start to kicking in, I cannot avoid it any longer. there i was, busy to feel everything, trying to regulate my emotions, trying to talk about everything, and crying. lots of cry.
i was tired and frustrated, because it seems that i cant get it out. the problems are looks endless and unsolved, and I feel like I don't have time to breath, to think about how i feel or what I feel, and how all those feelings will effect me. instead, my brains jump to how i want to deal with it, forget that some things, some feelings, might effect my feelings. my feelings are bundled up, my emotions are rising, while i was focus to move forward, i forgot to see where i was going. where the goals are. i was like a mad bull who is busy to moving forward with no destination, blinded by the emotions. no wonder i feel tired and cannot breath.
In order to getting to know myself, our self, we need to faced all uncomfortable questions and all uncomfortable feelings that come within. there are no short cut or easier way. you have to be honest, about what happen, what you want, what you get, and what you feel. life is series of problems and things that we can't control. so, it's okay to feel a lot of feelings and cry once in a while. let yourself wallow quite a bit, then move on. allow yourself to feel, to cry, to rest and take a breath once in a while. it is okay to do that.
It's different for everyone, of course, but i do believe it's necessary to do. the world constantly changing, and so are we. getting to know yourself is necessary because it can help you grow and move faster.
