last week, i went umroh with my family, all of them.
since day one, i already attracted attention with clothes i wear. the travel gave us batik's uniform to wear and i was pairing it with my jeans. i didn't know how it started, or who were started, but when we landed, i already become the talk of the people.
at first, i thought they were talking about my clothes. i was fine with it. i did a bizarre things with that kind of clothes. when i changed my clothes for going to mosque, i can hear them whispered "alhamdulillah," which means thank god. as days goes by, things got weirder. i can feel and hear the whisperers everywhere i go.
they were talking about my clothes, the way i walk, the way i eat, the way i was going around by myself and not with my sisters or family, and what kind of relationship i have with my mom and my family. i do have complicated relationship with my family, especially my mom. and i do talk about it, a little, on one of my social media platform, but.. nobody cares about it.
until now.
i tried to ignore it at first. maybe i was too sensitives. maybe it's all just in my head. besides, this trip is like once in a lifetime experience, why i should be bothered with that talk? it's better for me to focus with my worship with god. that's what i was there for anyway. and, there's a huge chance I was wrong, anyway. I mean, who am I so everyone talk about me, rite?
but it's started become very, very uncomfortable.
i was lining up for buffet, and they commented about how i don't eat rice and how I eat salad with fork only, and how i walking around to see what's in the buffet first, before i get in line. i was.... seriously, people? SERIOUSLY?! am i an artist? do all of you know me? i was already withdraw myself from social activity since it was started. hoping that they will calm down and pay no attention to me, but what happened it's totally the opposites.
my thought was, there must be somebody who are in my group who started it. if it's not, why everybody talking about it? how do they know so much about me? which Starbucks i often went to. what it is on my Instagram post. so, when i saw two members of my group are talking about my acts, and how i behave in last activity, i was enrage. why would they say that? it's not what happened. and in next activity, some people laughs and talk about this beef i had with this particular person. and when we pray, that talk about the beef and what i was doing(unintentionally) and about what she was doing with me in last activity, and all of that, it was... making me frustrated and a little heartbroken.
so, i talked to this particular person, in tears, about what is happening, what did she say those tings and why i hear what i heard. it was a mess. and it turns out i was mistaken and had different perception about what is going on. i was... unsure.
are they really telling the truth? are my groups are really cares and genuinely want to know me? am I seeing this wrong? okay, maybe i was wrong about this one, but how about the talking that is still happening? if it doesn't come from my group, where it's come from? and why there are so many people took interest in me? why do they keep talking to me, but then talking about my reactions and my answers after? what is it, that's so interesting about me?
finally, after all worship activity was done, and the talks getting louder and louder and wronged, i made outburst.
if they want to talk about me, i will give them something to talked about. if they want to make judgement and act like they know me, i will give them that. hurt and angry, i was posting about how they behave. make the situations uncomfortable for all of us. i don't care about what was right and wrong anymore. if they want to talk about me, then talk about how i post everyone of you who are disturbing me. who doesn't leave me in piece to do my worship here.
i was hurt.
i was angry. and i know it's not nice. but, i was hurt.
it's not an excuse for what I've done, i know, but at that time, it was really hurt. it was bad enough that i have to go on vacation with my dysfunctional family and share room with my sisters who haven't talking to me for couple years and insisted that they don't have any problems with me, when i try to asked them what's wrong and want to talk and solve whatever happen between us. it was bad enough for me, to stuck for ten days with people who had hurt me the most, and they make it worst by talking about the problems they know nothing about and commented every little things i do.
when i thought it was done, this thing turns out to be bigger than i thought it would be. i have been in Jakarta for two days, and it seems like everywhere i go, people know me and talk about what is happening. when i checked the activity on that social media platform where i write about my family problems, they have been 7.000 hits in last week til today.
i don't know how this thing can be this big.
i don't know how it's all started.
but i remember how it felt. being talked about it's not new to me, but.. seeing how strangers know me, and talk about my family problem which I'm still recovering from, it's... indescribable. i have reasons, you know, why i wrote what i write, and why did i chose to post it, and why I'm still choosing to leave with my family, but if i explained any of those, publicly, they will keep asking and talking and it won't stop. but hearing those assumptions they make, it's not comfortable either.
this thing become so big, and honestly, i am not sure how to fix it.
i am not an artist or selebgram. i never plan to and I'm very uncomfortable with being in the spotlight like this. i am a wallflower. I am a background. i have no idea how to deal with all this attention. and i have no idea how to make this thing stop.
any idea, people? what makes me so interesting to you?
