if i have to describe 2018 with one word, i will choose the word: awesome.
i had so many expectation about how this year will be working out for me. about all of my plans, my journey to get my dream job, maybe a little romance, or how my life will turn out, but in the end, we all just human who can only make plans and try hard, aren't we? what actually happened this year, it was boring, more routine than i expected to, many unexpected setbacks, a lot of emotional roller coaster, and there's always a little surprise in the corner and plot twist everywhere.
I was preparing myself, to going after my dream job. fully aware that I'm lacking so much, I prepared myself to learn a lot of things. the hardest one? answering the whys. I know the job probably nothing like I imagined, but the thought that I will do this for a long time, probably with some good mentor(s), teaching about a lot of things, is enlightened me.
I guess that's why I decided to go for it.
every questions I cannot answer, made me think and learn about myself. I applied like hundreds jobs, and there was a time when every week i got at least one interview. very often, i come home with a lot of thoughts. it's not about practical things or the job i couldn't answer, again and again, it's about me, and that was the hardest part.
after paused and restart my life, and myself, at some point, i have to admit that sometimes i don't even know myself. this is where my daily routines become boring. interviewed, think, learn, work, play, try to write my thoughts, try to feel what i feel, play, and repeat. i was surprised when i haven't thought about my crush for months because all of these routines, and when i heard the news that he will resign in the middle of the year, it's not even sting. surprised, yes, but not sting. played my emotions a little bit, but... how am i supposed to know that it will bring another chapter of drama in my life?
this year also made me deal with some family secrets, and some setback. the biggest setback, happened when my dad fell. we were talking about my cousins wedding the day before, and my dad suddenly coughed and fell. and all i can think about, will my dad die without knowing how far i move forward? without knowing anything about me, about the life I have right now? we haven't talk a lot, he didn't know my future plans, my life, my friends, and my crush, who apparently, i cant ignored anymore.
that event make me learned something about my family. about how things work in my family, and some secret that give me chills. unconsciously, i paused everything and try to process about what happened. while everyone looking at me the same, think that it was all just because my dad in the hospital for weeks, i faced my biggest setback since I decided to move forward.
and life as we know it, always try to throw lemons at us. those interviews not running so smoothly anymore. each one broke me, teach me something new about myself, or telling me something new about myself. something to fixed, or something that i never know I had it in me. like it or not, i have to learn about myself, learn to accept the past, to let go, to get to know who i am now, not who i was or what my mom or society told me who i am. i have to learn and getting to know myself.
i was so focus to move forward, i think i forgot to checked on myself once in a while.
that's how i realized how far i moved forward. but at the same time, there was nothing significant happen in my life. sometimes, when i think about this, i feel like i want to scream and laugh out loud. how can that be? I'm aware that I move forward but at the same time it feels like I'm walking at the same place. trying to get to know myself become heavier each day. and i don't think i will pass any interview if i still don't now anything about myself. I also fully aware that I'm changing. with all those interviews, setbacks, the way i solved problems, deal with relationship, the way I behave, i know I'm changing, but... who i am now?
when i tried to focus on my boring routine, chase my dream job, and trying to get to know me, my dad told us that we will going umroh. five of us. i have to say, that is the most ridicules thing i heard in this year. our family relationship is falling apart and we have to spent days together, without talking or trying to solved anything? and then what? problems suddenly solved? we suddenly understand each other and there is nothing to talk about, or hearts that broken, or feelings that hurt... are we supposed to ignored that? are we have supposed to move on, just like that?
and.... you know, few days before umroh, my grandpa died.
i... i didn't feel anything before, but when i arrived, i.. i was crying non stop. crying and crying and like usual, another family drama, another family secrets, and another setback. the differences is, I have no time to wallow this time. there's so many things to do, to get done, and there's so little time. almost every spare time I have, I spent to taking care of myself.
days goes by, and it's almost the end of the year.
too many things happened, so many dramas, so many assumptions, and too many people I have to thank you to, which I can't say one by one here. I wanted to write some beautiful words to say sorry and thank you, but I'm loss for words. so, here it goes, my sincere thank you note to all of you who has been helping me and for those who still help me, thank you. thank you for everything, and I hope god reply your kindness.
like i said, this year is awesome.
funny part is, all those unexpected things make this year turn out awesome. I never know where god takes me, or what future have for me, but for now, I think this year is kind of awesome. I never thought that my life this year will be feels like roller coaster ride. those unexpected things, plot twists, those frustrations when nothing seems to change, when none of my plans work like I planned, or those emotional rush I got almost every month because of setbacks, interviews, relationship dramas, people, and everything that happened this year.. I never thought that this year will be... like this. lol.
funny thing, while I'm writing this I realized that I'm... happy. sort of, I think.
none of my plans work.
my life is a big mess.
I am a big mess.
but I think, sometimes being happy doesn't always mean cherry, unicorn, and rainbow. maybe sometimes happy means you accept yourself and your life as whole. what happened to you, your mistakes, deal with consequences, fixed what's been broken, and all that grown up stuffs. hard, I know. I'm still learning too.
how about you? are you happy with your life and where you are right now?
