this last two months been... confusing.
since got back from umroh, drama in my life has been rocketing and confusing. It was so confusing, I refused to think much about almost anything. all of dramas in my life, resigning, and all of those talk and judgement from people, it made me feels like nothing is going right in my life right now. i feel itchy and very uncomfortable with my self, with where i am now, with... this phase and this path i chose. so, i decided to take my friend advice to take some time off from the world. take some time for me, and myself. no society, no people that i know of, no social media, no friends, in the middle of nowhere. as usual, life is not that easy tho, before doing all of that, i have to faced family problems.
at first, all of my bad thoughts are running wild. what if i chose the wrong path? what if i lose everything i have? what if all relationship i have, are tumbling down and all of my friends are hates me? what if my close friends are that evil and cruel to me? what if everyone are waiting for me to fall? but fall from where? i barely close to the top, not even in the middle. what if I'm going crazy if i stay longer and listening to all these bad thoughts? fact is, i am the one who cut myself from society without some explanation.
my dreams also become weirder and weirder, it started to make me can't sleep properly. For some time, i really thought that I'm going to die. when everything started to going out of control and too scary for me to think, i decided to (trying) to talk with my dad and see a priest. what for? back to god, of course.
i have unique relationship with my family.
I realized that it was one of the things that make people curious about me and about my life. it is not common to tell the world about family problems in Indonesia, but I do it anyway. some maybe say that I do inappropriate thing, but for me, it's kind of liberating. why I can't admit that I'm not close with my family? why I can't say that my mom did broke me and really like to make some narration or story about me? why I can't tell the world that my dad used to beat me? why I can't say that despite everything that happened, I think I still love them.
they are my family.
I can't abandon them like they do in the movie, or living alone and meet them only in holidays. the most important thing, I can't ignored these things, family problems, and this broken relationship any longer. I was itchy for taking the first step and start over, but first thing first, I have to make sure that myself is ready to do that. I have to make peace with my past, my self, and this path I chose.
many things to accept. many things to forgive. many feelings are left unresolved. many whys are left unanswered.
a friend told me, that it was the point of moving on. you are walking away, move forward, with many unanswered questions. somehow i agree, but its not the way i handled things. there are problems that you have to solved, and there are problems that you need to ignored for your own good. this is the tricky part, you have to decide yourself, which one is worth your energy, which one is not.
good luck.
