i never give so much thought about boys, getting married, and building family. i guess my past and my family says it all. it's hard enough to find someone who can love and accept you the way you are, moreover for your family dramas and baggage that comes within. it's not that i don't believe in love, but I hardly believe the concept of unconditional love.
i am the kind of girl who would run 1000 miles when the guy i was dating mention something serious or talk about the future. i am the kind of girl who always try to brush it off, when the feelings or the situations getting more intense, deep, and serious. i am the kind of girl who always put one foot of the door. preparing to run off. and I'm not proud of that. not at all.
this year, i have to admit that i might be hurt someone i love with the way i behave.
while I'm trying to tell myself, and my friends, that it was just another broken heart, deep down i know that it isn't. it is not another broken heart. and it's barely about the guy. it is more about the idea I have about guys and relationship. it is about my fear about the consequences if he feels the same way. it is about me, who were falling willingly, have more feelings than I'm willing to admit, having more invested than I planned to, and all of emotions that come within, just for a guy.
a guy i barely know, but at the same time i feel close to. A guy who already stole my heart at the very beginning without me knowing. A guy that i never planned to meet, or even stayed in my life. A guy that supposed to be just another guy in my life. A guy that fucked my mind and make me eating instant noodles almost every week, every time I see him in bad mood or ignoring me. A guy that make me feel those goosebumps, butterfly in the stomach, and smiling ear to ear, all day, just by his smile and presence.
i think i got my karma.
never really think about guys, never put them as human being, and finally i met someone who changes everything. by the time i realized everything, it's already too late. we keep missing each other and time goes on. and here i am, dealing with another broken heart caused by my own stupidity. the differences? I think it's the first time I cried so much because of a guy.
looking back, I can see how we missed each other timing. I can see those stupid little things we did. I can breath easily knowing that I'm not delusional. I can see and feel the connection once we both had. the more I think about it, the more I feel pain in my chest, realized that at one point, maybe we do care about each other. maybe we do love each other at some point. at least now I know, that I do love him at some point. I can breath heavily when I realized what we both did all this time.
as I walk the memory lane, trying to brush him away out of mind and my heart, I realized that he got his special place already. he seamlessly fit into my life and stayed when I was trying so hard to push him away, and now he left.
if we talk about broken heart, I come to realization that we both did our part.
it would be a lie if I said I am the only victim here. too many feelings, too many words, and emotions are silent between us. call me romanized or exaggerated everything, maybe I am. but from where I stand, it's too many unspeakable things happen between us. regardless, he gave me some beautiful feelings called fall in love.
for you, wherever you are, with whoever you are,
I truly hope, you are happy :)
-xoxo
