“.. You have to learn to accept, that your concept of family is probably different than what your family have.”
Since January, my family been decided to go to family therapy in order to get our family back together, due to my family condition and situation. Long story short, my family is in (almost) break apart condition. It’s been going on for years and this year my mom stepped up and decided to take some actions. She doesn’t want to see her family fall apart, and apparently, so do me.
My relationship with my mom is love-hate relationship. We are not that close, but she is the closest person in family to me. We often yelling and screaming at each other, but that’s our way of communication. It’s been years since we actually talk to each other, since my depression break us apart. I was blaming my mom for screwing me up and she was blaming my depression condition. I was always a good kid, a golden child, a nice girl, until I was depressed. I guess that’s why my mom blame my condition, because I was becoming her first case of child’s problem series. First of many.
I was trying to fix my relationship with my mom, and she asked my opinion about our family and our situation, and (very much) pushed me to fix my relationship with my sisters and decided to bring whole family to therapist. After few weeks session with therapist and two individual session, something big happened in my family.
Me and my roommate sister got into a big fight over very little thing; why you turn off the lamp and then turn it on without saying? There are screaming and crying in the middle of the night, and everything was like an usual fight until my mom come in and try to interfere and all hell broke loose. Next thing I know, I was crying in session with big disappointments with the way my dad chose to run this family. After I cried and tell what happened, my therapist said the first sentence of this post. Bring me back to where all of this happened. Make me think about the old days, make me relieved those days when I was depressed and the reason why I chose to giving up on life. Make me glad about my decision years ago, to finally take the step forward from that rabbit hole I was in.
Accept, he said. Like it is so easy to do.
The problem? It’s all happening because my family cannot accept me, not the other way around. I was on my peak and finally become emotional and financially independence when my family ‘attacked’ me from every angle they find. They gave me negative responses of my independence and little by little it traumatized me. I am scared to move forward. I am scared to make myself, my life bigger than my family. Because those bullies, those mental attacks, those physical abuse, those hurtful comments, those guilty trip, those stalkers, those toxic relationship, I want it to stop.
What is so guilty about becoming the best version of myself? What is so wrong about being the only grown up in the family? Why they treat me like I don’t matter? Like, all of my achievement is because of them but all of my issues and trauma don’t? What is so great about this toxic family anyway? I gave up and move forward without any answers to these questions.
Then he said, I need to accept?
I was break down crying some more when he said, “… you can’t change the environment, which in this case is your family. They don’t want to change. Become the one with higher emotional intelligence is not easy. You are the only one who can see what is happening in this family, and you are the one who are they’re blaming when it’s not actually your fault.”
In other way, he said that this is the consequences I have to take for being me. I will be blaming for everything that goes wrong when I was down and make problem like now, and I still be the one who they will be blaming and get attacked to if I grow up and move forward. That’s the consequences of being me. The one with higher emotional intelligence in this family. Also, the one with the most potential.
My first reaction? Angry.
I mean, this is me,, I love the grown up version of me. She is a badass, ambitious women. She’s can be so judgmental sometimes, but have so much consideration and toleration of differences. While I hate dumb childish of me.. my parents love that version of me. They can handle that version of me, not the grown up version of me.
The last two years I have been living two characters continuously and finally get so stressed and sick last year. While many people can see and ask me why I rather to cover up my grown up side, my family chose to see the worst of me. Like they always do. I know this is a fact from a very long time, I passed angry, blaming, and I already accept this situation. That they will always see the worst in me. I don’t blame them, they never know who I am.
What make me angry is the root of this problem; they are the one who cant accept me and if I move forward, become the grown up one, I will get attack, like I am doing something wrong. And the therapist say that I have to accept?? How about them? How about what they will do to me if I take higher road?
I am not sure if I can deal with that consequences. I mean, I can’t. I don’t have time and energy to deal with that consequences right now. I already threw the best year of my life for them to stop. I already build myself and have my whole life planned. I can’t let them or see they’re tearing it apart, crush every relationship I have and ruin abused myself mentally and emotionally, i… don’t have time to screw up this time.
Accept? I think I can accept this situation. Let go of the past? I think I know that it all happen in the past and nothing I, nor we, can do about it. Move on? Oh, I am ready to move on and move forward. Forgive? I am not sure to forgive them. I am not ready. I am scared that history will repeat. I am scared that once they know I’m back on my feet, they will do something negative. I am scared.
And I’m not talking only my family, but whole big family. Because they never really know me, I guess, or maybe because of their own issues.
fucked up, huh?
welcome to my life.
