It’s almost a year.
Early this year I had a good feeling about this year, like something is going to happen. Something exciting, hilarious, and.. I don’t know. I’m not sure if it’s going to be big or not, but I’m sure something will happen.
Many things has been going on since last year and it’s almost a year since I decided to take my life back, to live my life again, to be better version of myself and let go of everything that keep dragging me down. I have to say, it’s been a lot of adventure.
Since I decided to go back in dating game, and trying to fix myself, to be better, one thing I realize is that I do feel happier. The situations nothing near changes, my relationship with my sisters are going nowhere near attachment or intimate or even close. I still struggling to find my passions and my dream job. I still fight the war with my own demons and myself every single day. I still have insomnia sometimes. It still hurts and I still cry myself to sleep at some nights. But everything start to feel better.
I try to focus on myself, including fix my relationship with God.
One by one, I try to resolve all of my issues. I Try to think about why I feel this way, why am I doing this at the first place, what is it that I want, what is my goal, etcetera, etcetera.. I spend so much time to think and wandering around, alone. I tried to relieve stress with exercise. I tried every exercise I wanted to try. I tried to love myself again, try to put myself first. I’m trying to build my self-esteem that’s been crushed with not-so-important-people. I tried to get myself and my life back. I tried to reconnect with my old friends. I’m trying to express myself and my feelings more. The result, I get to know the new me better. I mean I know I’m changing after everything that happened, but I’m not sure if I like this new me. I keep trying to find a way to go back to the old me, the one that I love and longed, but instead, all I need to do just to get to know her better and damn, I love this new me!
Of course it’s not all rainbow and unicorns. When you decided to open and unbox yourself, in order to heal you have to fight all your demons and open all the wounds you have, and it’s not fucking easy. It’s still daily battle for me. Some days I just sit without doing nothing and trying to figure out what I’m feeling, how I’m going to deal with it, what I’m going to do with everything, and so on and on and on. Some days I tried to finished all the tasks and jobs in hand so I can forget about the wounds and emotion comes with it. Some days I was crying nonstop after I faced my demons and have a talk with myself. I had to take a day off because I can’t think or do anything.
The hardest part of it, is trying to let go and the grieving part.
I was grieving for a lot of things this year. Once I decided to let go and accept reality, I also have to let myself grieve for all those thing that (probably) can’t never happen. Those things, that no matter how hard I tried, how much I wanted, it’s not destined to be mine. Those things I can’t control. I used to think that if I try hard enough and pray enough, it could be mine. For some things, it is true. We can achieve everything we want by trying so hard and pray to god, but there’s also things that we can’t control.
I have to let go all of that, in order to be able to move on.
There’s also my journey of finding the perfect job and my passion. Honestly, I didn’t do a lot at this part except applied to every job there is. I have freelance job enough to do something and pay for my meals, but not my bills. Call me idealist but when I applied for the job that has a probability that I will dislike it, I won’t try as hard and they can see that. So I failed. Sometimes I feels like I nailed the interview, but then I didn’t hear it back. I tried. I still don’t know where this path going, but I’ll keep trying.
This part is the most difficult because after what my mom did to me, a part of me traumatize about being success and independent. So, like it or not, I have to push myself so hard and fight this irrational-traumatized-demon of mine. Plus, we’re talking about a job, and you know how many jobless people out there, but after everything I’ve going through, one thing I learn is about patience and believe in god. God will give you the job you need, trust him. You just have to try and keep praying.
And don’t forget about boys.
Getting a guy never become my priority, It never comes to my concern, but I think we all agree that adding cute boy into the mix is like adding icing sugar on top of the cake. It’s sweets and make the cake looks good. So, even though I haven’t met the one or getting into any relationship, but my friend found out (I mean, she’s the one who realized it first, then point it out to me) that I never really alone since last year. Since I decided to change.
I met couple of guys. Some of them are cute enough to keep me texted, some of them are funny enough to keep me up all night, and… there is one guy who occupied my mind this last few months. Personally, the magic will disappear after three or four months for me. Either he become a bore or we just didn’t work out or he’s started flaky and I left, but this one is… intriguing. There’s nothing happen between us yet, but.. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure there’s something going on between us but at the same time, nothing’s happen.
I’m going to do something about it, soon.
At least I know I’m not lacking at boys department ;)
