this year, i met some setbacks that made me rethink about my decisions, my life, and everything. at first, i thought this year will be the year when something big happen to me.
instead, i met a turn over.
it is true that many excited things happened to me this year, but not the kind of excitement I had in mind. instead, it feels like everything happens to test me. the new version of me, my determination, my principals of life, my attitude, my decision, everything! I'm doing everything I can to keep myself together, then, something big happen.
it almost broke me, if it didn't already.
My first instinct was to shoved all those negative feelings and shake it off. I was aware of what I'm doing and know that there's a chance I will blow up. what I didn't expect was what it will do to me. when I was exploded, I'm not angry, or screaming, or even yelled. I was buried myself under blanket for hours. I can't think, I don't want to do anything, It feels like I can't move, while those negative emotions and feelings are coming to me like a tsunami. an emotional rush.
I ask my self repeatedly after that, am I okay?
the answer is always the same until now, I don't know.
I know that I have to feel everything and having honest conversation with my self, but I am too afraid to do that. even when I want to, I can't be honest. not even when I am alone in locked room. my self wouldn't let me to feel and be honest. so, I did what I had to do, asking help from alcohol. it took longer time than usual, and I'm not really sure if I let all out, but at least it works. I finally let myself to feel and cry.
i think, we need to let ourselves to be human once in a while. to let ourselves feels everything and embrace it. to let our body feels and react to those feelings, those emotions. to let us hit paused, or maybe break down for a while. to breath and think about what we are doing. to take a step back and remind our self about the bigger picture, about our goals and our dreams. about what we after. about what kind of person we want to become.
life is series of problems. there are so many ups and downs, dramas, mistakes and failures. as i (try to) grow, i realized that there is nothing we can control in life, except ourselves. we (are supposed to) can control our feelings. how to regulate our emotions and our reaction to it. we choose how to released and express those feelings and emotions we have. it is not wrong to have feelings, we are human. human are supposed to feel.
there are so many problems in this life. so many mistakes we will made, ups and downs to get through, so many unexpected things are about to happen and ruin our plans, we will be crazy if thinks that those things won't affect us. so many things that we cannot control and it is useless to worry about them, because the most important thing about living a life is knowing how to dance in the rain.
how to keep floating in this sea of madness.
how to find the good in every bad things that life throw at us. how to stay sane in this crazy world where bad guys win.
it's how to find happiness in the mess we live in.
